


Constellations | Regulus Black

by ReGrim2020



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, And he deserves way better, Angst, At this point that is, But if these things are triggering to you pls don't read, But we'll roll with that?, Character Study, Constellations, Death Eaters, Feels, He doesn't mean to hurt Regulus tho, Hurt No Comfort, I love Regulus Black, Just wanted to clarify that one, Might also add a sequel!, Not sure if that's what this is supposed to be called, Not that he'll get anything better in this one, POV Regulus Black, Regulus Black Deserves Better, Regulus Black Feels, Regulus Black Needs a Hug, Regulus Black-centric, Sirius Black is not a good brother, Stars, Stream of Consciousness, Suicidal Thoughts, Symbolism if you squint?, Thoughts of Self-harm, Up for you to decide I guess, Young Regulus Black, but like, might add more tags later?, no actual self-harm, no actual suicide, or well, sorry - Freeform, uhh yeah, we'll see
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:53:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27476833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReGrim2020/pseuds/ReGrim2020
Summary: At night, on top of the astronomy tower, Regulus Black looks up at the stars and thinks about all the things that went wrong.
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black
Comments: 8
Kudos: 58





	Constellations | Regulus Black

**Author's Note:**

> Woah, here we go, a Regulus Black fic! I absolutely adore him, and after a lot of hesitation, I finally wrote a little something. This is very much stream-of-consciousness type of stuff, so not much action. Hope you'll enjoy anyways^^
> 
> (Please read the tags before reading the fic! Nothing explicit will happen in this one, but just to be safe.)

Back when they had been younger, ~~when they had still been brothers~~ , the two of them had turned off the lights at night and gazed up to the sky, searching for constellations. The faint glow of the stars had been a comforting blanket to the stiff and heavy air of their home, and although the sky was barely visible through the city lights, it was enough for the young boys. 

At Hogwarts, the sky was much clearer, and the stars were bright and cold - and foreign. Regulus knew all the constellations, knew the stars and the night sky as well as he knew the layout of his home, and yet, here, on top of the astronomy tower, alone in the silence, they all seemed so different. Everything had been different ever since Sirius had left. 

He knew it was selfish of him to wish that ~~his brother~~ Sirius would have stayed, but without him, the house was too silent, the expectations too high and the darkness too tangible. Not that Regulus couldn’t handle it, because he could. Sometimes he just missed the easier times, the times when his brother would creep into his room at night and hug him close and tell him all about the world outside of their family. Regulus had wanted that world, had wanted to share it with Sirius. It was a childish wish, one that Regulus had since outgrown. ~~Had been forced to outgrow, because Sirius didn’t want to share his world with Regulus.~~

They didn’t speak to each other anymore, him and Sirius. They hadn’t spoken since that night when Sirius stormed out of the house and Regulus told him to _stop_ , and Sirius looked at him with cold eyes and said that _nothing would make him stay, because there was nothing for him there_ . As if though Regulus was nothing - and maybe, to Sirius, he was. So Regulus had grit his teeth and silently watched as his brother exchanged him for a better one. He had stood in the hallway long after Sirius had disappeared, and when his mother had told him to _stop crying_ , he had done just so.

Regulus hadn’t cried since that night, not even when crying was all he wanted to do. After all, what use was there in crying? That would never bring Sirius back, would never make things good again.

Regulus hated Sirius. He hated how little he meant to his brother, he hated how easy it had been for Sirius to discard him. He hated the look that Sirius would give him when they met in the hallways, and how _guilty_ it made him feel. As if though he had been the one to do something wrong. Most of all he hated how much he still missed his brother. ~~Too bad that his brother was gone, because this Sirius could never be the same boy who had held Regulus close and _understood_ him and _loved_ him. ~~

Not that any of that mattered, and Regulus was sure that Sirius hated him far more than Regulus would ever manage to hate _anyone_. And if he, by some off chance, didn’t already completely loathe Regulus, he would. They all would, Sirius and his friends, if they ever found out about all the things Regulus had done.

That was alright. Regulus knew he probably deserved it, ~~even if he had never wanted to be cruel, had never wanted to be marked by a man who spread nothing but death~~.

Sometimes, when Regulus thought about Sirius and about the mark that he pretended to be proud of, he had half a mind to do something stupid. Something like getting rid of the dark mark with a knife, or like leaning just a little too far over the edge of the astronomy tower. It was a long way down - he wouldn’t survive to see the consequences.

Regulus would never do any of those stupid things. Perhaps he was too much of a coward, perhaps too much of an optimist. Whichever the case, he could never bring himself to do anything of the sorts, not even when his chest ached with the need to _hurt, hurt, hurt_. Instead, he would squeeze his eyes shut and recite the constellations, as if though that would help.

Sometimes it did. Sometimes it reminded him of Sirius and everything hurt a little more.

That was what it always came back to. Sirius. No matter what his initial thoughts were, Regulus knew that he would, without doubt, spiral all the way to his lost brother. It wasn’t fair, and Regulus resented Sirius for being such a large part of his life that even in his thoughts he could not avoid Sirius. The brightest star, the true heir - Regulus knew he was the spare, the backup plan. He was acceptable, no more than that. ( ~~And Sirius was the favourite son, still, because in that twisted way of hers, their mother admired his pride and resolve; admired him in a way she would never admire anything Regulus did.~~ )

If Sirius hadn’t left, their mother would have forgiven everything, eventually. She always did, after the snarls and hexes and _hurt_ , when it came to Sirius. Not that mother ever apologised, so of course Sirius wouldn’t know she loved him despite her harshness. Sirius had always been so loud and worn his heart on his sleeve, and his love was so easy to lose ( ~~Regulus knew~~ ). He had never bothered with the things left unsaid, had never needed to look beyond what he could see. Regulus did look, and he did see, and he knew just how much their mother loved Sirius, ~~and just how big of a difference there was in her love for her two sons~~.

Walburga Black’s love was clear in the way that she would haughtily glance at Sirius’ door and make sure no one - _no one_ \- would enter. Her love was clear in the way she burnt Sirius of the tapestry with determination, only a slight tremor in her hand. Her love was clear in the gentleness she used to paint him over in each and every portrait. Her love was clear in the way she would compare Regulus to Sirius and make sure that he _knew_ that he would never be as good of a son as his brother. 

Regulus was never supposed to be the heir, and while his mother may have spoken highly of him in front of her friends, he knew better than to trust her insincere words. His mother may have fooled everyone else, but Regulus _lived_ with her. Walburga’s love was nothing if not an act, and Regulus played along. 

As long as the rest of the world thought that the Blacks were better off without Sirius, as long as Walburga seemed to adore her son, the reality didn’t matter. 

And if Regulus would sit at the dinner table with his parents in tense silence, if his mother would barely grace him with a kindness, that was all the same to him. None of that was new, anyhow. Sirius had always been the one in the center of all the attention, be it in good or in bad. Regulus had no need to be in a similar position, for as much as the silence hurt him at times, the loneliness couldn’t be worse than the punishments that his mother would give should he choose to disobey.

No, he was far better off being complacent, being weak. ~~He was far better off taking a vow that he loathed just to make his parents proud, although they never would be, not really. He was far better off committing his life to a cause that meant nothing to him~~.

Despite that, Regulus wished that he could be more like Sirius, sometimes; that he could just leave his responsibilities and _fuck off_ to some other place entirely. Only, he had nowhere else to go. All his friends ( and wasn’t that sad, because they weren’t his friends, not really ) were on the same side as his parents were anyhow, and he wasn’t brave enough to start all over again. He certainly wasn’t _selfish_ enough to ignore his duties, either. With Sirius out of the picture, it was all up to him to maintain the noble and most ancient house of Black, and he held enough pride in his heritage, enough respect for his elders, that he would not see the family name crumble to the ground.

Sirius had once said that attempting to keep the family name afloat would only make him drown. Already then, Regulus had decided that if so, he would rather bring himself to ruin than watch the family legacy die out. Now, with war looming over the wizarding world and him being a sworn toy soldier, he supposed that his ruin would come sooner rather than later. 

In silence, Regulus blinked away the desperation that wanted to claw its way out of his throat. The mark on his arm burnt like fire, and his shaking hands no longer felt like his. His thoughts were racing, and Regulus turned his eyes away from his pale skin, from the skull and the snake. He looked up at the stars, and watched as they grew colder as each second rushed by. The constellations were no longer his, no longer familiar, no longer home; all that Regulus could recognise in the darkness of the night was the cold light of Sirius, the brightest of them all.

**Author's Note:**

> Uhh so the ending feels a bit abrupt, so I might come back and edit that later? Also, I feel like this is waaaay too short but it is what it is^^
> 
> Anyhow, feel free to drop opinions below, I'd love to hear what people think! Constructive criticism is welcome, but please be nice :3
> 
> And since I kind of want to, would anyone be interested in reading some sort of continuation to this?


End file.
